[BACKLOG] When Shadows Become Nightmares

Posted on Saturday January 23rd, 2021 @ 3:53pm by Commander Kanaka Shakura

4,423 words; about a 22 minute read

Mission: Shakedown Cruise
Location: USS Poseidon; Counselling Suite, Deck 6
Timeline: Day 004 - 0800 Hours
Tags: Counselling, Canaan Serine

This post was originally written with Lt. Commander Canaan Serine prior to their departure from the Poseidon. With their permission, it has been completed so as to complete their story prior to their departure. They are now the CO of the U.S.S. Cardinal of Task Force 56, Pegasus Fleet.

[ON]

It had been a day or so since Canaan's last visit with Kana. Overall, their time was well spent getting to know one another better. He'd appreciated the Lieutenant Commander's willingness to explore comradeship as a way of enhancing their counselling sessions. Canaan valued her efforts to be as flexible and accommodating to his eccentricities. The abrupt end to their visit had left Canaan feeling wholly embarrassed. He couldn't fathom how Kana's innocent suggestion of exploring caves could illicit such a powerful panic-induced reaction on his part. That was an aspect of trauma Canaan wanted to understand better, yet was having one hell of a time in doing so.

The Science Officer had arrived well before his appointment time and was seated on a bench outside of the Counsellor's office. He wasn't sure of Kana was in session or elsewhere on the ship, but there'd been no response to his presence, so he decided to wait, using the time to focus on an exciting update from the geology department.

After around five minutes of waiting, the Chief Counsellor appeared right on the top of the hour. Dressed in her uniform with her Vulcan overcoat, she showed a glimmer of a pleasant surprise as she saw Canaan seated outside her office. Their session wasn't due to start for another half-an-hour, yet here he was. He looked very refreshed and eager to start the day, which Kana was glad to see; she had imagined his impeccable work effort wouldn't allow him to be grounded for long. He seemed to be in a much calmer mood than during his psychological evaluation, too; despite the ending of their social encounter two days ago, it definitely seemed to build some confidence between the two.

"Canaan!" Kana said with a jovial tone, "Good morning. You're here early; I suppose that means we should get started right away, then?" She smiled as she gestured for him to follow her into the office. As they walked in she took off her overcoat and placed it on the back of her desk chair. She then gestured for him to follow her to the two lounge chairs next to the viewport, where they sat either side from each other.

"You're looking very well, which I'm glad to see." She started, "I suppose you're eager to get back to work? Your Ensigns were very professional when I told them that'd you'd be taking a short break, but I could tell that they were hoping you'd be back. I imagine you'll be receiving a warm welcome this morning once they see you."

"Bonjour!" Canaan returned the greeting with a friendly wave of his hand, smiling brightly at the Commander before standing and following Kana. "I've been nose-deep in experimental status updates all morning and must have thought it later." He confessed, unembarrassed, showing Kana the data PADD as evidence. "There's much to catch up on, especially with my trainees and cadets." He acknowledged, confirming Kana's suggestion that he was eager to return to work. "And, thank you..." His words were meek, albeit sincere. "Doctor T'vek cautioned about getting a good night's rest, and I hadn't realized how much it was needed until I slept through most of yesterday."

The Science Officer slumped into the lounge chair opposite the Commander, assuming a visibly relaxed posture contrary to when he first visited the Counsellor in this very room.

"I owe you an apology, Kana." A deep sigh followed, "I'm so sorry for having a meltdown. I'm beyond any semblance of embarrassed and cannot thank you enough for your discretion." He loosely hugged the data PADD to his chest, staring up at the ceiling as he reclined the chair. "I suppose it was bound to happen sooner rather than later..." He elaborated, "I had hoped it would've been in the privacy of quarters or, at worst, my office. Not in the middle of the lounge, and most certainly not in front of the Chief Counsellor and Executive Officer." His cheeks deepened in colour, although he tried to ignore the heat beaming from either.

Kana took a polite interest in what Canaan showed her, as a friend would. She wouldn't claim to understand all of what was on there, but that didn't matter so much to her; what mattered was that he wanted to share this with her and that he was enthusiastic about it. Both were positive signs that he was in a much better place, which would make progressing forward in these sessions a lot easier. Though of course, the underlying issues were still very much there, so she knew that she would have to continue to proceed very carefully.

When he tried to apologize for what happened the other day, the Chief Counsellor playfully dismissed him with the flick of her wrist and a smile, being overly flamboyant. "Nonsense, Canaan. I won't hear it! You have nothing to apologize for. What happened was unavoidable in the way that deep-seated traumas inevitably are. Whatever caused it, there's clearly something there that needs to be discussed. However, I feel we have some ways to go before we can do that. So to start, I'd like us to focus instead on what trauma is, and ways in which we can manage them. Does that sound helpful to you?"

Canaan felt he deserved the time to ponder Kana's question before offering a response. As he understood the intent behind these sessions, this was meant to be his journey and it was important he maintained a degree of control over the proceedings. Kana had encouraged as much in their relationship thus far, so he had no reason to believe otherwise moving forward. "I suppose it does," He agreed with a soft nod of the head. "It's a little bit of a mess in there," Canaan confessed, gently tapping a finger against his temple. "I'm not entirely sure you want to go in there." He half-joked, uncertain if even he was ready to follow her into the darkness of memory of Arach VI. "So, Counsellor, what is this trauma you speak of?" He sighed, resolved to make this work.

Kana straightened her jacket as she adjusted her position in the chair, crossing her legs and clearing her throat as she began. "Trauma is...a wound in the deepest recesses of our minds. It's an image, a sensation, a feeling, so scorched into our memory that it's impossible to forget. While we can use an autosuture to treat physical wounds, trauma is not something we can simply fix. It alters the mind permanently. However, that doesn't mean that it has to have the better of us forever." The Chief Counsellor's words were direct but also very heartfelt as if she knew exactly what this all meant.

"It is clear to me now, Lieutenant, that you are suffering from some form of deep-rooted trauma. Before I continue I must ask: are we in agreement on this fact?" She spoke more softly as she looked at him directly in his eyes.

Canaan fidgeted, his expression conveying apprehension, "To admit as much tells you that I'm broken." He responded quietly, "I'm not broken." The Science Officer knew he was arguing semantics, yet was uncomfortable admitting as much to himself or anyone else for that matter, that he was traumatized... no matter how honest the diagnoses. "Can we say I'm not well, instead?" He opined, finding his terminology didn't bite as harshly as the counsellors. He held up a hand, gesturing for Kana not to answer the rhetorical question. Terminology was all for naught at this time. For the next few minutes, Canaan wrestled with Kana's question, eventually relenting to the Counsellor's thorough explanation. "Yes, we agree." He mumbled begrudgingly. "What do we do now?" Treatment happened only when the counsellor and patient bought into the plan or program most effective in addressing the underlying condition; for that, Canaan worried he would need to speak openly and honestly about Arach VI, and he didn't think that was a possibility. "What is it that the Borg say? Oh, right, 'Resistance is futile.'" He inwardly mused sardonically.

Kana shook her head. "You're not broken, Canaan. You were hurt, and the wound still remains. Together, we can make sure it heals and that you become stronger for it." She tried her best to on the one hand remain honest with him, while at the same time reassuring him that things could and would change for the better. It was obvious to her Betazoid sensibilities however that the Chief Science Officer was still wrestling within himself over how much he wanted to commit to this, though unlike before she could tell there was a genuine want there to do something. "Perhaps his new relationship with Paladin has given him a reason." She wondered, as it certainly wasn't uncommon in couples.

When Canaan asked about the next steps, Kana gestured one of her hands towards him. "That is just as much up to you as it is to me, if not more so. I'm here as your guide, to help empower you in confronting these traumas and giving you the tools to help fix them. If you want my advice on where I think we should begin, perhaps we should start by you telling me what it is you would like us to address in these sessions going forward. You don't have to be too specific right now, but once we know our destination, planning the journey becomes a lot easier."

A silence followed Kana's suggestion. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but one of self-reflection. "Eventual outcomes?" Canaan confirmed with a nod, "Ideally, I'd like the nightmares to stop. Sleep is... Difficult." He admitted, knowing Kana was aware of his insomnia, yet not perhaps that it was self-induced. One of the many reasons Canaan dedicated so much of himself to his work was the elusiveness of a restful night's sleep. His athletic regiment only did so much to sedate the darkness lingering in the far recesses of his mind. Even when Gregory pushed him to the brink of exhaustion, the nightmarish memories of Arach VI remained. So long as he remained awake, Canaan could pretend, if only briefly, that it'd never happened at all. "The panic attacks, too. Although, the most recent occurrence was after a long while without. Honestly, I thought I was finally getting over things... But Pavan's death... I think that's honestly what started it all again."

Kana nodded understandingly as Canaan laid out the things that he saw as the things he'd like to change. It was true that she had become aware of his sleep deprivation, knowing how hard he chose to consistently work himself. While that meant that the work that Poseidon's Science Department was producing was already, in its short span of operation, pushing the standard across all of Task Force Eleven, Kana was very concerned for the Chief Science Officer's overall health and welfare in the long term. The revelation that it was nightmares which kept him up - something which she herself could relate to quite well - did make her wonder about the possibility of his insomnia being self-induced, but she would have to keep track of that to be sure.

The mention of Pavan's death being the probable cause of Canaan's recent panic attacks initially surprised her, though on deeper reflection it did have some probable reasons as to why. Now that she had him talking, it was important for him to continue doing so. "Why do you think that is, Canaan?" She asked gently.

"The futility of it all? The randomness of the universe. How at that precise moment, fate decided it was Pavan's time." He explained, "I didn't know the man aside from his name. I wasn't aware of his past, nor his present. Yet, in the blink of an eye, his future was snatched away... Just like that." Canaan snapped his fingers, "And all for what? Some training exercises? Some display of bravado? One inane action that resulted in a catastrophe that nearly cost others their lives, too." He paused, both arms locked over his chest tightly while eyes scrutinized the ceiling above, searching for some hidden answer. "It's ironic how one seemingly innocent act creates turmoil for years to come." He shook his head, jaw tight as he considered the notion. "Do you think Pavan woke up that morning and had any notion of what was to come, that one thing would lead to another and by the end of it all, his life would end?"

Kana listened, observing Canaan's body language as he voiced his feelings about Pavan's death. She couldn't fault him for his frustrations; death was always a hard thing to fathom and accept, even when it came for the people you were only acquainted with. She had felt that same frustration and worry within the rest of the crew; for a lot of the young cadets since the Fighter incident, their exuberant feelings for exploration and adventure had been washed away in a tsunami of dread when faced with the reality of their cause. They were all forced to confront their fear of death now, and it was a hard thing to shake off.

When Canaan mentioned fate, the Chief Counsellor couldn't help but wonder about the Security Officer who had been in her office only two days ago, Oscar Vladinchi. Fate or just pure circumstance had indeed determined it was his time, and yet he still breathed thanks to his mysterious benefactor who now inhabited his mind. Kana imagined how many others there might be like him, or whether he was a special anomaly. Whatever the case, she wasn't sure whether it was something to envy or to pity.

In response to the Chief Science Officer's question, Kana looked out of the viewport and into the deep void of space, where the Poseidon would soon be attempted to traverse again. "I imagine he always knew that his role came with such high risks. Do I think he knew what would happen that day? No. I don't think any of us are really geared in such a way as to consider the possibility of death, as absolute as it is for all living things. The exception perhaps being those of us who reach old age and have the time to consider such things according to each other's customs. But truly, Pavan's death reminds us that these things are very rarely - if ever - in our control and that I think is the hardest thing to accept."

Turning her attention back to Canaan, she leaned forward. "Do you think that's what frustrates you?"

A sadness dulled Canaan's eyes, the weight of Kana's words a reality he wasn't yet ready to deal with. He knew his death was inevitable, nearer than he'd like to admit. The monsters of Arach VI had foretold it, showed him how and where they'd even gone so far as to let him experience a microcosm of the pain he'd endure. He wasn't ready to give up, to succumb to their horrific playtime. He'd resist until a final breath passed between his lips. "Our lack of control over that inevitability, yes, it frustrates me," Canaan replied softly. "Kana, do you think we can change our fate... Control our destiny?"

The fact that Canaan was frustrated by the lack of control over inevitability felt very much like the sort of person she had come to know. The discussion of fate and destiny felt like someone entirely different, and she could not help but wonder what it was that brought out this different side of the Chief Science Officer. Clearly something from his past, but what?

"That depends," Kana responded, leaning forward with hands held together. "Is what's fated immediately something set in stone, or merely a path which we're set upon which has multiple branches for us to choose along our journey? My mother always used to tell me that a man or woman who believes their fates are decided are people who are petrified by fear of the uncertainties life contains."

She seemed to think of that for a moment, before wringing her hands and continuing. "I believe that fate is only a component of our existence, Canaan. I think all our circumstances amount to it, as do our actions and those of others towards us. I choose to believe that what my mother told me was that we can change those things, but only when we face them head-on. Then, we become the compass to our own destiny."

A few moments of silence went by before the Chief Counsellor asked her own question. "Are you afraid, Canaan?"

There was a near imperceptible nod of Canaan's head, his eyes finding the Counsellor's. "Not a fear of the unknown..." But of what he knew was inevitable. People died, this was the natural order of things. The creatures of Arach VI had overwritten fate however, his destiny sealed by their perverse nature. Or was it? Kana's words instilled a small semblance of hope that he could become an agent of change should he choose to endure. He wanted to stay, not to give in. So far he was safe, but that would change. Pavan's death proved as much. If there was one thing Canaan knew all too well, it was that if an Arachian was present, turmoil was sure to follow. It was in their nature to cause pain and suffering, both were a precursor to their arrival. Canaan tried to reassure himself that Pavan's death truly was an accident. Life's experiences, though, told him otherwise.

"Perhaps I've reached a point in life where it's okay to question the intent of one's existence." Canaan recovered, hoping Kana would interpret his statements as nothing more than a crewman trying to navigate the uncertainty of life. Maybe she'd think he was grieving like the rest, but Kana was incredibly intuitive. She may buy into the mask for only so long before trying to pluck it away. "Fear is a healthy facet of life, or so I've been told." He finished, offering a meek smile.

Kana tilted her head slightly. What Canaan said certainly sounded typical of someone who had just been shocked by the reminder of just how fragile they were, out here in the void of space, the hulking metal constructs they'd designed to traverse it their only shelter. Yet something felt...off. This didn't feel like it was the only thing on the Chief Science Officer's mind. Come to think of it, it felt like it was the last thing on his mind, truly. Yet the Chief Counsellor could see he was still keeping his feelings closely guarded, and she would have to respect that he wasn't quite ready to share just yet. Still, they were making great first strides.

"Fear is indeed an important instinct that's drawn from life experience, keeping you alert and in the most serious of situations, alive. But I can't help but feel that it's eating away at you, Canaan, and that isn't very healthy at all. It hasn't gone unnoticed amongst the crew that your sleeping is erratic, to put it politely. As a result, you're drinking a great deal of caffeine to compensate, and that in itself can induce feelings of anxiousness and nausea in great quantities."

Kana was sure he knew all these facts already, being the clever man that he was, but sometimes it was important to hear it from someone else. "Now, those things are hardly the root of your problems, but they're certainly the most immediate roadblocks which we can attempt to correct right now. Have you always had difficulty sleeping, and if so, have you ever been prescribed sleeping pills? I don't recall reading it on your medical record, but perhaps that got missed."

Canaan's head sashayed from side to side, "I suppose I've always been something of an insomniac." In his youth, it was a restless mind and overactive imagination that had kept him awake. An idea would pop into his head and he'd spend the night working out a concept or formulating a new and exciting theory. At the academy, all-nighters were a common occurrence, although he was hardly alone in this practice. Canaan discovered kindred spirits to keep him company as the night passed around them. "Lack of sleep was manageable until recently." He continued, "I used to welcome the night; I'd stay up into the late hours learning about some new scientific curiosity or oddity, formulating theories and experiments, or working out solutions to equations. I'd lose myself in the experience, and before I knew it, the sun would be rising." He smiled, eyes holding Kana's ever-present gaze, "It's different now."

Kana raised an eyebrow. "Different how?"

"Because now it's not a choice..." Canaan couldn't sleep without being plagued by nightmares. "Medications will only complicate the matter." Canaan swung his legs over the edge of the lounge chair and stood, stretching his arms before taking a step toward Kana's bookcase. "You must have had your fair share of late nights," He said pointedly.

Kana could sense once more that the Chief Science Officer had a deep fear of something. If it had to do with sleeping, it could only be to do with nightmares or terrors. Indeed, she knew those well on both a professional and personal level. "A traumatic past experience coming back to haunt you, Canaan? Why now?"

The Chief Counsellor's eyes followed him as he went over to her bookcase, which she had decided to fill with some of her personal collection - books that she was prepared to lend to patients for insight or comfort if it helped them - in order to give some character to otherwise still fairly sterile office. She pondered on Canaan's statement for a brief moment, though she already knew the answer. "Yes, of course. Only once was it over the course of consecutive nights, though. Yours seems to be more persistent."

She turned her body to face him more directly, observing him closely, ready to judge his next reaction. "You're suffering from recurring nightmares, aren't you Canaan? As in, you're being revisited by the same sequence of events over and over?"

Canaan let out a long, slow sigh, shoulders slumped as he visibly deflated. "Yes." His one-word reply conveyed a sadness that resonated from his aura, weighing on Kana as the Science Officer's defences cracked.

Kana felt the overwhelming sense of sadness, a gorgons knot of regret and sorrow, burrow its way out of Canaan's subconscious as he finally let some of his defences down. This was good for the Chief Counsellor, but she had to make sure it didn't become too uncontrollable for Canaan. "It's okay, we don't have to talk about them in detail right now. It's good that we've established what is happening."

Standing, she moved towards him, confident in the idea she had in mind. "Tell me, have you ever practiced psychic meditation? It's common amongst my kind and the Vulcans."

"No, no I don't think I have." He turned to face Kana, realising then that she stood only a pace or two away. "What does it involve?"

"In principle, not a lot more than regular meditation. The key difference being that you and I would share a psychic bond during the experience. Imagine it like stepping on the holodeck, but within our own minds. It's a popular technique for helping to relieve patients from night terrors; I myself once received the same treatment, after having recurring nightmares about the Battle of Betazed."

She smiled, and extended her arm out, placing it gently on Canaan's shoulder. "I want to reassure you that in such a procedure, you would be in the driver's seat. This wouldn't be about reliving those nightmares and trying to psychoanalyse them; rather, it would be about exploring ways in which we can train your mind to protect yourself from these recurring thoughts."

Canaan sighed and wringed his hands, beads of sweat noticeably beginning to run down his forehead as the stress began to mount. "I don't...I don't know if I'm cut out for this sort of mission, Kana. Not on top of this, not on top of an intense romance. Perhaps it was foolish of me to take on this assignment so quickly; perhaps I'd be better off taking a position aboard a properly dedicated Science vessel?"

At first, Kana wanted to dismiss the suggestion, not wanting to let the clearly troubled Science Officer seclude himself further from the help he clearly needed. Then she thought about it, for just a moment. She felt his pain deeply, could see that all he wanted to do was commit himself to meaningful science and exploration. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, to get him away from the stress of having to teach and guide academy cadets while also under the risks posed by the instability of the Alpha Quadrant. Perhaps a quieter commission would be better and maybe, just maybe, there was something that she could still do for him even from afar.

"...Let me have a conversation with Starfleet." She said, prompting him to raise his head from his hands with an almost surprised expression. "While I would much rather have you here so that I can give you direct support," she continued, "Perhaps there's something we can do to support you in a different environment."

For a moment there was silence, and then there was the brief flicker of a smile from the young scientist, showing the same warmth and glimmer of genius that he always carried with him.

"Thank you Kana." He managed to utter, barely above a whisper.

"No, Canaan, thank you." Kana emphasised, with genuine fondness. "But don't think this gets you out of regular coffee dates, you got that?"

The two shared a warm and hearty laugh.

[OFF]

Cmdr. Kana "Kana" Shakura
Executive Officer & Chief Counsellor
U.S.S. Poseidon

&

Lt. Cmdr. Canaan Serine
Commanding Officer
U.S.S. Cardinal

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